The Millennial Almanac: July 23-August 22

Folksy wisdom for your quarter-life crisis 

July 23-August 22

Welcome to the Millennial Almanac!

ICYMI: Before Gutenberg made a Bible, he printed an almanac. The ancient texts were first produced by Babylonian astronomers, but they have guided beleaguered farmers, seasick sailors, and armchair witches for thousands of years since. From the scientifically-validated to the fringe conspiracy, the exceedingly practical to the absolutely absurd, almanacs offer non-judgmental advice on every aspect of living. And who could use a bullshit-free guide to life more than you? Now get scrolling. 

Moon and Stars

Suddenly feeling extremely XTRA? That’s the power of Leo season, baby. Kylie Jenner, Madonna, Jennifer Lawrence, that guy who plays Thor—you cannot escape their roar. First identified by the Mesopotmains some 4,000 years ago, the long-tailed constellation is now associated with the Greek story of Heracles. The first of his 12 labors was killing the Nemean lion, whose golden pelt was impervious to man-made instruments. Heracles strangled the mighty animal, skinned it with its own paw, and then wore its pelt around as armour. Dark. But the coming month is a great reminder of your own leonid strength. Now’s the time to ask for what you want, and loudly revel in the reward. 


The convenience of home delivery has been questionable ever since Sears Roebuck spurred the creation of the credit surveillance system. Today's life-hacks have little difference. It's hard to so much as order a pizza without potentially robbing your driver of the dollars on an hour he or she made to deliver it.

But there's a reason that the convenience economy has bloomed for millennials: we're just as screwed. If you work 12-hour days, don't own a car, and have to share your kitchen with five roommates, suddenly the temptation of a food delivery can be overwhelming. 

For this column, we're going to start adding in ideas to swap out some of your less ethical choices for more ethical ones. This month we'll start with a few quick tips on food delivery. Drop us an email for your own money holes you'd like some alternatives to!

Tip #1

Always tip. Then tip more. Thanks to increased scrutiny on the food delivery industry, it's at least becoming clearer who is completely scamming drivers out of the tips you give them (looking at you DoorDash). But GrubHub, UberEats, and Postmates all have their own algorithmic tradeoffs that might make you feel worse about ordering from that McDonald's you could have walked to in five minutes. If you're not sure if you're tipping your driver enough, you're probably not. And if you really want to make sure it ends up in their pocket, try the old fashioned method: handing them cash.

Tip #2 Opt for ordering ahead instead of delivery. Lots of apps allow you to order ahead at a click of a button, still saving you some of the inconvenience of waiting in line or picking up the phone. Apps like Ritual even allow you to connect with other coworkers to buddy up and take turns picking up deliveries. Admittedly carpooling lunch is a bit easier than dinner, but it will get you in the habit of realizing walking down the street isn't THAT bad.

Tip #3 Meal prep. See our earlier newsletter for advice about meal-prepping specifically. Or spend all night reading Buzzfeed listicles like I do and you'll be fine.

Home and Garden

I have many gripes with my basement apartment in the summer: mosquitos, freak flooding due to global warming, creaking walls. But the temperature isn't one of them. The one benefit to residing in a virtual dungeon is that it's always a solid ten degrees cooler than the outside. And even what that is way too hot for comfort, I have air conditioning in every room. If I'm not careful I end up needing to wear ten sweatshirts before the night is out.

But I remember many times where I was not this lucky. During the most recent living situation this applied to, I just finally broke down a bought a window unit out of fear that I'd have a heatstroke working from home. If you already have an air-conditioner -- or want to in the fleeting weeks of summer -- my big advice to you is to learn how to take care of it (no you really shouldn't leave it in the window year round).

If you don’t want (global warming, electric bills) or can’t get an air conditioner (they’re expensive, small windows, etc.), the best investment you can make is in improving your house. Both blackout curtains and window insulation can help beat the heat while also serving secondary purposes (better sleep and protection in the winter). A good box fan, while still a bit pricey, can also be a worthwhile investment for small spaces like your room.

Want to beat the heat outside your house? Public pools (though be careful about staying out in the heat too long) and libraries are normally free AND open late during excessively hot days. Both are a lot cheaper than endless frozen drinks at brunch. 


  • Fat-shaming dinnerware replaced with the ultimately body positivity move: finger foods

  • Everyone wears a tie on debate night

  • No one wears a tie on debate night

  • Everyone gets too drunk to remember who wore a tie on debate night

  • Cis men disavow model trains

Best Days

July 31: You owe yourself a lobster roll. 

August 1: A new moon. The new few days are crucial for your heart. Try committing to a new cardio routine or, if you’re brave, telling someone whose been pulling at your heartstrings how you feel.

August 7: Right now is a good time to schedule any check-ups for “down there.”

August 10: Eid Mubarak! Prepare your favorite meal. 

August 21: The moon is in Taurus. Force your friends to go to karaoke but only if they sing ABBA with you.


It’s that time of year: sand is attached to every inch of your hair, house, and clothes. If you were expecting advice to follow this #relatable lede, you’re out of luck. There is no good way to cope with these clingy granules and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Instead, you must learn to appreciate them for what they are: the bedrock of civilization. 

As Vince Beiser writes in his book The World in a Grain, sand is the foundational ingredient in concrete and cement—the core ingredient in modern roads and buildings. But it can’t just be any sand. Only water-eroded sand that washes up on ocean shorelines or settles at the bottom of lakes and rivers, is the correct shape for mixing. And there’s not enough of it to meet current demand in developing countries. It may be all over everything you own, but sand mafias in India are literally killing for the substance. Whatever way you look at it, life’s a beach. 

The Millennial's Almanac: June 21-July 22

June 21-July 22

Welcome to the Millennial Almanac!

ICYMI: Before Gutenberg made a Bible, he printed an almanac. The ancient texts were first produced by Babylonian astronomers, but they have guided beleaguered farmers, seasick sailors, and armchair witches for thousands of years since. From the scientifically-validated to the fringe conspiracy, the exceedingly practical to the absolutely absurd, almanacs offer non-judgmental advice on every aspect of living. And who could use a bullshit-free guide to life more than you? Now get scrolling.

Moon and Stars

It’s cancer szn. And you know what that means: It’s Meryl szn. The shapeshifting goddess turns 70 on June 22, and this year she’s celebrating on the cliffs of California (by which I mean she’s currently stealing scenes Sunday nights on Big Little Lies). Streep embodies many of her sign’s most prominent qualities: Crabs tend to be artistic, nurturing, emotional, loyal, and demanding. In other words, those born between born between June 21 and July 22 are a conflicted mix of the original ASMR whisper queen Miranda Priestly and frantically fun-loving dynamo Donna. And we will never, ever stop talking about how bad Julie and Julia was, even if you’ve already heard our whole spiel. That being said, Cancers are ruled by their stomachs, so if you have Mastering the Art of French Cooking, now is the time to crack it open and prepare some cassoulet for your own Monterey Five ride or dies.


For the millennial seeking cheap entertainment, summer is truly a season of bounty. No matter where you live, it’s likely to be the season of outdoor movies, public pools, street fairs, fitness classes and even free music.

The downside, of course, is that summer is also hot and free things are often crowded. Those factors can make staying at home and binging Veronica Mars and Stranger Things very tempting.

One trick to beating both these potential buzzkills is arriving early. For me, my new DC license has brought me a love of public pools. I’m lucky enough to be able to go on Fridays when they’re less crowded but I’m also a big believer in going before noon when you’re more likely to find tanning millennials than screaming kids.

Shameless promotion: If you are in the District like me, might I recommend my friend Chelsea’s newsletter for more advice on cheap and free things to do this summer.

Best Days

June 21: It’s summer solstice, bitch! However you celebrate—Dragon Boat Festival, Tirgan, Inti Raymi, or pre-ordering tickets to a shit-your-pants screening of Midsømmar—just be sure to celebrate.

June 29: Prepare a purple meal. Eggplants, plums, pluots, and heirloom tomatoes are all in season.

July 4: I’m ambivalent about ‘murica. But National Country Music Day? Ooh boy! Time to take your Lil Nas X EP to some old beach road and eat lobster roll til you can’t no more.

July 14: It’s Bastille Day. Finally, an excuse for always feeling miserable.


Listen, you’re almost certainly not going to start growing horns from spending too much time scrolling through Twitter. (In fact, Twitter is the perfect place to find a fiery scientific takedown of that horn study in the first place.) But there is another way for humans to hail Satan on their foreheads: It’s called a cornu cutaneum growth, or cutaneous horn. Basically, for reasons still largely unknown, some people will live to see the keratin in their top layer of skin continue growing, forming a hard and often conical tumor. Some can grow a foot long. I won’t share any photos here, because this is newsletter is a safe place that should make you feel cloaked in the sparkling grapefruit scent of feminism, but you can Google these bad boys for yourself. While physicians aren’t sure why they develop, they seem to be associated with radiation exposure, like the kind you can get from sunburns. Human horns have been documented for millennia, and may have inspired depictions of demons and devils. But really, they’re just a reminder to lather up on sunscreen this summer.

The Millennial's Almanac: May 21-June 19

Folksy wisdom for your quarter-life crisis

Welcome to the Millennial Almanac!

ICYMI: Before Gutenberg made a Bible, he printed an almanac. The ancient texts were first produced by Babylonian astronomers, but they have guided beleaguered farmers, seasick sailors, and armchair witches for thousands of years since. From the scientifically-validated to the fringe conspiracy, the exceedingly practical to the absolutely absurd, almanacs offer non-judgmental advice on every aspect of living. And who could use a bullshit-free guide to life more than you? Now get scrolling.

Home and Garden

There are two types of entertainers: people who go overboard and buy four pounds of cheese per guest and people who put an open bag of chips on the table and expect everyone to bring their own alcohol. Both of these extremes can be a recipe for disaster, but there is a way to find hosting bliss.  

But, there are some basic host and guest rules that every millennial should know:

DO buy some serving dishes

Red Solo cups are fine if you're hosting a lot of people or normally drink your wine out of mugs, but there's a happy medium between owning crystal wine glasses for every guest and at least being able to provide them a tumbler. At the very least, it's clutch to own some sort of tasteful pitcher so that you can serve up sangria.

DON'T expect your guests to pay for everything

Even if you're throwing the most casual party, don't expect your guests will provide all their own food and booze. That is not a party and you can't just have people bring shit to your house for free (unless it's your birthday or you just got dumped or something). If you're really concerned about folks showing up empty-handed, be clear with your expectations: "We will have light snacks and some wine." "We will have some beer but feel free to bring beverages of your choice." "We will be serving a six course dinner and please bring dessert."

Ultimately, even if you're serving PBR, the price of an evening at home almost always outweighs the cost of an evening out for all involved. Bonus: if you're the host, no expensive rideshare home at the end of the night.

Conversely, if you are a guest bring something! It's okay to even bring something you know you'll want to drink in order to alleviate the host’s burden. But don't bring a six-pack of Miller Lite and then drink all the craft gosse the good guest brought.

DON'T expect your guests to arrive on time

The reality is most people (not me!) are bad at arriving on time. They either don't want to be the first person there or have no sense of time and distance. My general rule of thumb is to say the start time of a party is at least 30 minutes before you actually want people to arrive. If it's a dinner party, also give a 30 minute window but make it clear when dinner will be served and pad the beginning with drinks and appetizers.

If you're a guest: please don't show up more than an hour late to a party that isn't an all-night house party your friend's roommate's cousin's college ex is hosting. If you do have to show up more than an hour late, give your host a head's up.

DO have fun

Hosting should be a pleasure. If it's not fun for you, don't do it! Going out to a bar or restaurant or whatever your friends like to do is a perfectly acceptable way of socially gathering! There's also no "right" way to have a party. I tend to keep mine on the smaller side and still enjoy being able to drink, buy too much food, and ask people to dress up like Mamma Mia characters. If you want to have a party for one or 100, it doesn't matter!

Moon and Stars

In Latin, Gemini means “twins,” specifically the twins Castor and Pollux. Known collectively as the Dioscuri, the duo was born to the Spartan queen Leda, but by different fathers—a phenomenon we all know is medically possible thanks to Grey’s Anatomy season 3 episode 6. Castor was the mortal son of the Spartan king, but Pollux was the son of Zeus aka the swan. Their loyalty to each other knew no bounds. When Castor died, Pollux asked Zeus to kill him, too, and keep them together forever in the form of the Gemini constellation.

But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t tension. People born under the star sign Gemini, which rises Tuesday, are known for having two personalities in one: They are fun, curious, and adventurous. They’ve retained their childlike innocence and curiosity into adulthood. But they’re liable to get deadly serious fast. This can make for a veritable rollercoaster of emotions, but it also makes them good at communicating and caring for others. After all, that’s what Castor and Pollux were really known for: They were the original patron saints of sailors, embodied by the luminous plasma coronal events now called St. Elmo’s fire.

So TL;DR: This month is the perfect time to take a spontaneous trip. Whether you stay close to home or stray far away, Gemini juju will see you home.


🚨Guest post alert! 🚨 from Breeze Riley, managing editor of fan pop culture site The Marvel Report

Game of Thrones' watch has ended, but does that mean yours does too? Now is a great time to reevaluate how much money you're spending on entertainment subscription services. With a deluge of increasingly expensive streaming services (and all the ones yet to come, hey there Disney+), it can be easy to get sucked into paying for ones you rarely use. A good rule of thumb is if you haven't watched anything on that service in a month, it might be time to cancel it. After all, that new Noah Centineo movie will still be there when you decide to come back.

Most services make it very easy to reactivate, and if you're gone long enough they might even offer you a new free trial or discounted price.

Other free legal ways to watch TV or movies include indoor antennas to pick up local channels (think a modernized version of rabbit ears) and services paid for through your local library like Kanopy or Hoopla. Seeing if a friend or family member wants to split an account is also a great way to save money on pricey services.

Best Days

May 19: If you named your child Khaleesi, here’s how to start the process of legally changing their name.  

May 27: It's a waning crescent moon and time to treat your toes. Get a pedicure or slap on a baby feet foot mask (I like this brand.) Yes, you'll feel like a snake for a few weeks if you chose the latter but your sandal-worn feet will thank you later.

June 1: A new month and a good day to say BYE SISTER… to the fake friends in your life who would almost certainly do free #spon for your main competitor in the gummy vitamin market.

June 11: The moon in Libra may mean your skin feels out of sorts. Make sure your routine is fit for summer weather. And if you're not wearing a daily SPF, get on it!


If you’re sick of moon and stars, well, suck it up, because I have one more astrological fact to share: The modern conception of a 12-sign horoscope was invented just 82 years ago.

As Craig Brown recounts in his wonderful, form-breaking biography 99 Glimpses of Princess Margaret, Queen Elizabeth’s younger sister was born on Aug. 21, 1930. As we all know from the more contemporary births of Archie and Archie (oh, sorry, I mean Prince George), these things cause a lot of hoopla. But James Gordon, editor of the Sunday Express was quite bored with the routine royal baby announcements and decided to do something special—like predicting little Princess Margaret’s future.

Gordon asked Irish astrologer to the stars Cheiro for some help, but settled for his assistant, R.H. Naylor, when it was clear Cheiro was unavailable. On Aug. 4, Naylor published “What The Stars Foretell For The New Princess” to much fanfare; he predicted an “eventful life” for Margaret—a sure bet for a princess—but, more specifically, anticipated something momentous in her seventh year. To everyone’s surprise, he was right: Margaret’s uncle abdicated the throne to marry an American divorcee, making Margaret’s sweet, stuttering father the reluctant King of England. It also made R.H. Naylor the most famous horoscope writer in the world, one with the power to shape markets (“Monday’s bad for buying”) and lives (“Break up with your girlfriend cuz I’m bo-oh-ored”).

From the original column on Princess Margaret until 1937, Naylor went the traditional route, forecasting people’s futures based on their specific eight-digit date of birth. But that year, he decided to simplify the process by dividing a cross-section of the sky into 30 degree angles, creating 12 one-month sun signs. Naylor continued his column until his death in 1952, when his son took up the mantle until 1986. Today, more than 90 percent of people surveyed know their sun sign—and 40 percent think it’s based in science. Oof.

Millennials' Almanac: April 21-May 18

Folksy wisdom for your quarter-life crisis

Welcome to the Millennial Almanac!

ICYMI: Before Gutenberg made a Bible, he printed an almanac. The ancient texts were first produced by Babylonian astronomers, but they have guided beleaguered farmers, seasick sailors, and armchair witches for thousands of years since. From the scientifically-validated to the fringe conspiracy, the exceedingly practical to the absolutely absurd, almanacs offer non-judgmental advice on every aspect of living. And who could use a bullshit-free guide to life more than you? Now get scrolling.

Home and Garden

The thing about pests is they are relentless. They are the unwanted centerpiece of every city apartment, yet with the increased likelihood of vermin comes the decreased likelihood of fanged, clawed pets to attack and protect. Unfortunately, my landlord sees more value in sending an exterminator 10 times rather than just allowing me one cat!

I wish here I could say that folksy wisdom like sprinkling peppermint oil around your bedside or ensnaring a foul creature with the lure of ricotta works. It doesn't. Things that do work should you find yourself infested with rodents: making sure all the holes in your apartment are patched or filled with copper wire, extremely sticky glue traps from the dollar store (do NOT buy the fancy electronic ones from Ace Hardware or whatever — trust me you want the cheapest ones possible from a dollar store that carries extremely random things), putting in a door sweep, hoping the apartment next to yours that is likely the source of the issue gets a cat or better tenants.

The old wisdom of trapping fruit flies with an apple cider vinegar and plastic wrap trap actually does work. As for mosquitos and the like? Consider investing in an outdoor bug zapper for indoors if you live in a particularly humid area. Yes, it might look a little odd but the neon is a cool vibe and you can play a drinking game to every zap!

Finally, when it comes to all manner of creatures: talk to your landlord. There's a good chance wherever you live (or at least in your lease) they are obligated to pay for an exterminator. Don't drive yourself crazy thinking you have bed bugs once a year and posting random pieces of lint on Reddit for inspection. As with all important things: leave it to the professionals.

Moon and Stars

Taurus was an astrological sign of primary importance to the Mesopotamians, who called it the “Great Bull of Heaven.” The extinct wild Aurochs, from which many domesticated forms of cattle descend, was one of humankind’s earliest and most popular icons. Since the Bronze Age, cults from India to Persia to Greece have worshipped the horned creature and immortalized it in art; the animal appears in France’s Lascaux cave, the lapis lazuli mural of the Ishtar gate, and even the Google Docs anonymous animal lineup. The aurochs’ spiritual descendants, people born between April 20 and May 21, share many characteristics with the sacred bull: They are patient but stubborn. Practical but devoted. That makes this month ripe for physical labor. Whether it’s art or agriculture, now is the time to use your hands, and invest in something that won’t pay off for many moons—if at all.

*iconic Taurus*

Penny Wise

I have an extremely good idea related to classism and pizza fundraisers but it’s not in the spirit of helpful millennial financial advice (unless your startup is asking you to do a pizza fundraiser then please RUN).

No, what I’m here to talk about is what I talk about every week: debt. You probably have it. If you don’t: congrats and also please note I am single.

I don’t need to be a finance thought leader to tell you that not *all* debt is bad. You probably know by now that without any credit lines, student loans, or mortgages your credit score would be very low. And credit scores, despite their inherently classist and racist origins, are important for things like renting and, yes, getting more credit.

Normally, debt might not even influence your life. You pay off your card each month in full or your student loans are manageable. But sometimes, especially if you’re in a period of financial insecurity, that debt can take a turn for a worse. The credit line you took out to buy an air mattress when you moved to a city with no savings might six years and two layoffs later end up in credit card debt 100x that original purchase.

If your credit debt is unmanageable, or if the interest rates are making it grow faster than you can keep up with, there's one hail-Mary solution that many askew millennials I know have used with success: taking out a loan.

Now the idea of borrowing more money when you owe money might seem counter-intuitive but it's all in the interest rates. And chances are that a local credit union, for instance, would be willing to give you a loan for what you owe on your credit cards for an APR much lower than what you're paying now. In essence, that extra $2,000 in interest you're paying now could easily be slashed in half with the right loan.

This isn't the right solution for everyone, but given the many confusing things about Adult finances I've had to learn from other millennials, it seemed like advice worth passing along. Again, I'd recommend starting with a local credit union (normally you have to go in person for this which is the one millennial-drawback!), but there are also a number of online providers you can use to refinance your credit card (or student loan) debt.

A word of caution: digital loan providers will almost certainly front-load the interest, so if you're thinking "hey I'll take out this loan and pay it off in one-third of the time anyway," it might not be the best deal. The other thing is if your credit is on the less-than-stellar side, your APR for some loan providers might be high. You can read more here here and here about options if this seems a good choice for your debt.

Best Days

April 24 or 25: Both are great days for hair. If you've been putting off a salon visit, it's time to get going. If you're feeling brave, it's a great season to lighten your locks.

April 30: Today is a day to reap rewards. Give it your all and you will find growth.

May 4: It's a new moon and it's time to sing. Today is a great day for karaoke (or just watching the sing-along version of Mamma Mia 2 at home).

May 12: Watch out for your heart today. If you're feeling some romantic tension, try a workout of your choice. You might find that what you're dealing with is spring fever instead.

Cultural Predictions

  • Summer look: "farm heaux"

  • Vincent D'Onofrio 2020:

People Are Talking About

“I'm baby”


"We're all good, but we ain't angels We all sin, but we ain't devils. We're all pots and we're all kettles. But we can't see it in ourselves. We're all livin' 'til we're dying. We ain't cool, but man, we're trying." - Kacey Musgraves

The Millennial Almanac: April 9-20

Folksy wisdom for your quarter-life crisis

Welcome to the Millennial Almanac!

ICYMI: Before Gutenberg made a Bible, he printed an almanac. The ancient texts were first produced by Babylonian astronomers, but they have guided beleaguered farmers, seasick sailors, and armchair witches for thousands of years since. From the scientifically-validated to the fringe conspiracy, the exceedingly practical to the absolutely absurd, almanacs offer non-judgmental advice on every aspect of living. And who could use a bullshit-free guide to life more than you? Now get scrolling.

Home and Garden

Since it's spring, and allegedly that's when spring cleaning should occur, now is a good time to take stock of what you have out in your house and more importantly your closet. It's a good time to pack away sweaters: in a plastic bin, vacuum-sealed bags (especially if you need to protect your clothes from moths, or really save space), or, if you're me, just a suitcase under your bed.

But as you bring out your spring clothing, it's also time to let go of the past. And by the past, I mean the falling-apart fast fashion you didn't think you could part with last year. Bag it up, donate it, or resell it if it's nice enough. You don't have to go full Marie Kondo, but the future you will thank you this time next year.

Related image

Moon and Stars

The word “April” comes from the Latin verb aperio, which means to open. But this month isn’t just about bearing witness to the the magenta buds that burst forth on the arms of a magnolia tree, or your neighbor’s unsightly chest hair spilling forth over his recently-unearthed tank top. It’s also about letting yourself be broken open by new experiences the way you might crack open a cold one with the boys* to celebrate the return of livable outdoor temperatures. Now’s the time to do the hard work of rooting out your insecurities, starting the tough conversations you’ve avoided and making the decisions you’ve feared. After all, without April showers, there are no May flowers.

Penny Wise

Buying new shoes is really hard for me. And it seems that, at least based on my Twitter interactions, many of you agree. So here are a few questions to ask yourself when deciding whether or not to buy an expensive (or even medium-priced) new pair:

What kind of weather will you be wearing them in? For several years in college, I would buy cute, mid-priced riding boots. Every time, they would fall apart before the end of the season. The problem was that I went to school in New England, I was walking outside all the time, and fashion boots really weren't suitable for the weather. My senior year I finally broke down and bought some used Timberlands that lasted me for years throughout all kind of weather.

Bottom line: You're going to need to either pay more for shoes that last in bad weather (and probably not the most fashionable kind) or accept that your $50 riding boots will be done in two months.

How often will you wear them? This is similar to the question above except, well, even in the summer shoes can get ruined! Once again, I made the mistake of buying sandals in the $50-range only to have the soles crack after one walking-filled, rainy trip to Los Angeles. Most sandals will get beaten up pretty badly; even the nice ergonomic ones get worn down with a lot of walking. Every kind of shoe is subject to wear and tear, so plan accordingly.

Bottom line: Just by some cheap, under-$20 slides that you can beat up during the summer months and then use for shoes to take out the trash the rest of the year. If you really need arch support, make sure to get your orthopedic kicks on sale.

What kind of shoes are they? Ironically, I think the opposite principle applies for dress shoes: You probably want to spend a little more on nice heels if you're going to wear them every day. Cheap ones can be cute, but aren't meant for frequent wear. Unlike the difference between a $80 slide and a $10 one, there's a bigger margin when it comes to quality.

Bottom line: Splurge for good soles (even better if they're on sale!) when they'll be doing more work for your feet (running shoes, heels, etc.).

Image result for frose

Best Days

April 12: Your feeling of safety is now related to your home, family, and domestic activities such as cooking and gardening. You may be prone to emotional fluctuations; you should learn to forgive and forget in order to avoid depression from thinking too much about things. Your perception of the world can be very subjective; try to create a certain distance without being bitter. Due to your rich emotional manifestation, you can create a real sense of belonging in the world.

April 14 Celebrate spring by hosting a beautiful brunch (outdoor if you can) for friends. Choose your own menu, but some frosé is never a bad idea.

April 17: The moon sign is in Libra for the next three days, which means your bladder is especially vulnerable. Take good care of your urinary tract and drink lots of water.

April 19: Join your fearless authors in attempting to make jam for the first time. I'll be trying this New York Times recipe. Send us pictures of your results @millennialsalm!

Cultural Predictions

  • I’m gonna take my horse to the ol’ town road and cry can’t til I can’t no more

  • Olivia Jade turns state’s witness against mom Lori Loughlin, assumes a new identity to vlog under

  • No one ever sends a thank you follow-up email to a prospective employer ever again

  • Brie Larson is elected president of the United States by a suddenly-bisexual majority

People Are Talking About


I recently suffered from an extended bout of insomnia, which I momentarily feared might be fatal. Fatal familial insomnia is an all-too-real disease, typically genetic, that starts like normal insomnia, except you never sleep again, causing your mind to rapidly deteriorate, triggering dementia and, as you’d expect from the name, death. Most people progress from the first night of tossing and turning to the last night of their lives in just 18 months.

The disease is past down from parent to child; if your parent has the disease, there are 50-50 odds you will, too. Like Mad Cow, it’s a prion disease, where your brain basically attacks itself. There are probably fewer than 100 families in the world known to have the genetic mutation. Sometimes, though, it happens randomly; “sporadic” fatal insomnia has only been diagnosed nine times. In other words, there’s pretty much no way I or anyone reading this has fatal insomnia. But that doesn’t mean it won’t keep you up at night.

Image result for pink candle

For the regular kind of sleeping struggles, try these remedies:

  • Eliminate screens one or more hours before bed. Consider a book made of paper and a soft reading light.

  • Establish a nighttime ritual to train your body to wind down. Candles and a facial moisturizing routine are my go-to’s.

  • Attempt progressive relaxation, wherein you relax each set of muscle groups, one by one, typically to some kind of nature playlist or, might I suggest, the “Phantom Thread” soundtrack by Johnny Greenwood.

  • Consider occasional usage of melatonin or CBD oil, especially if jet lag is what ails you. Adjusting to time zone changes is hellacious work, and if you need support, go get it!

Your Proverb: Judge not a scam by the wealthy fooled, but by the Netflix watched.

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