The Millennial's Almanac: Aug. 23-Sept. 23

Folksy wisdom for your quarter-life crisis!

Welcome to the Millennial Almanac!

ICYMI: Before Gutenberg made a Bible, he printed an almanac. The ancient texts were first produced by Babylonian astronomers, but they have guided beleaguered farmers, seasick sailors, and armchair witches for thousands of years since. From the scientifically-validated to the fringe conspiracy, the exceedingly practical to the absolutely absurd, almanacs offer non-judgmental advice on every aspect of living. And who could use a bullshit-free guide to life more than you? Now get scrolling. 

Moon and Stars

Grab your quinoa bowls, your spent grain pizza dough, your gluten, because it’s grain season, y’all. Virgo, whose star shines over the next 30 days, is represented by a wheaten maiden, a symbol of the impending harvest. As summer comes to a close, you’ll be forced to reap what you’ve sown. Fortunately, this sign is associated with analytical thinking, hard work, and patience—all attributes you’ll need to own up to your mistakes and honor your recent successes. The work you do now will set you up for the rest of the year, so be honest in your inventory, and make sure to clear the soil for an even richer new year. 

Home and Garden

There comes a time in every millennial's life when you have to pack up and move. Actually, if you're like most millennials, it happens pretty frequently! And unless you're moving to a cheaper apartment or avoiding a rent-hike, it is likely a sunk cost.  

The good news is that there are ways to save money. Before you give in and hand over as much cash as necessary to the first task rabbit you can find, considering the following:

Before the move

Remembering that your relationship with your landlord them is a professional one, where it is their business to make money and your job to protect your last $5 with all your strength, is the first step to being mentally prepared for the big move.

Hopefully your lease outlines some parameters of what kind of cleaning and repairs need to be done before you move out. In the most reasonable scenario, a landlord shouldn’t charge you for normal wear and tear, especially if you've been there a few years. But that doesn't mean you can't do some due diligence and make some basic repairs yourself. Basics like patching that small hole in your wall or replacing broken blinds will likely cost you a fraction of what your landlord would charge for the same damages.

Of course, there's always a trade-off: if you think your landlord is going to take every penny no matter how spotless and sparkling you leave the place, it might not be worth going the extra mile. What you should do, no matter what, is take pictures before you move out. (And preferably before you moved in.) Check local laws, but in most cases a landlord needs to send you an itemized receipt for any damages they're dinging from your deposit. Photographic evidence is your best tool against getting scammed.

Packing

Make use of what packing items you already have: old boxes, suitcases, hampers. Post kind but needy messages in Slack to see if any of your coworkers has boxes from their last move. You can also just get Amazon or U-Haul to deliver packing items to your door. U-Haul is slightly cheaper AND you can return whatever boxes you don't use. 

Another trick: if moving is going to really be a bitch, try gradually storing some things at your desk for awhile. This works well depending on the size of your book/random stationary/sentimental booze bottle collection.

During the move

I once had a spectacularly good friend help me walk multiple suitcases three blocks in Brooklyn. That was smart. Trying to carry the rest of my stuff in plastic trash bags that ripped by the time I got to the new apartment and banged and bruised my entire legs was not. 

If you're moving just a room, it may be possible to get away with an Uber move. But a whole apartment will 100 percent require a truck. In some cases, you might be able to con a guilty absentee parent/former partner/current normal friend into allow you to use their vehicle. Do this if you can! It is not worth paying $100 plus dollars to deal with U-Haul. Again, this is about being scrappy. If you're still thinking "but can't I just HIRE movers," have you even been reading this newsletter??

After the move

Spend some of the money you saved on takeout because you're definitely not going to be finished unpacking in one day. (And then take those pictures to prevent fraud when you finally move out of this place.)

Best Days

August 31: Say goodbye to summer with your own white party. XOXO, Gossip Girl. 

Sept. 2: Unionize your workplace. 

Sept. 3: Wear white anyway! LoL! You make the rules!

People are Talking About

  • “Joe Alwyn is a cup of plain oat milk and I can’t believe he is anyone’s muse” — Vulture 

  • Little. Fucking. Women.

  • Millennial icon Lizzie McGuire is back and presumably her cartoon can’t afford rent in NYC.

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