Welcome to the Millennial Almanac!
Before Gutenberg made a Bible, he printed an almanac. The ancient texts were first produced by Babylonian astronomers, but they have guided beleaguered farmers, seasick sailors, and armchair witches for thousands of years since. From the scientifically-validated to the fringe conspiracy, the exceedingly practical to the absolutely absurd, almanacs offer non-judgmental advice on every aspect of living. And who could use a bullshit-free guide to life more than you? Now get scrolling.
Home and Garden
Hydration is an ongoing challenge: lizard hands, contact dermatitis (where your eyelid basically flakes away), dry eye syndrome, and lingering bronchial illness are just a few familiar wintertime diseases. While millennials are known for their skincare regimens and luxurious lip balms, there’s one essential we’ve all overlooked: a humidifier.
Before you purchase a hot steam apparatus like the one your grandma uses, know there has been some serious innovation in the air quality game in the last few decades. For the cheapest benefits, consider an ultrasonic model, which produces cold steam and is designed to limit microbial growth (at least with a regular scrub-down). If you want to put down some extra cash, buy an evaporative humidifier, which is slightly more expensive but even less likely to promote fungi, while also limiting the small white mineral clouds that other units may spray across your room.
Whatever you choose, the goal is to make your apartment feel like the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which, as I described in a recent article for Popular Science, is an ideal 50 percent humidity—perfect for art and, it turns out, human skin and lungs to thrive.
Moon and Stars
We’ve shifted to the star sign Pisces, embodied by the yin-yang of two koi. This symbol, one of the oldest in the zodiac, dates back to ancient Egypt, where it was etched into many a sarcophagus. For the Greeks, the fish represented the goddess Aphrodite and her son Eros (alias: Cupid), who transformed in order to elude the serpent Typhon, considered the deadliest monster in the universe. (If that doesn’t make you feel relieved Valentine’s Day is past and won’t be back for another 360 days, I don’t know what will.) Today, Pisces are described as artistic, passionate loners, which makes sense when you consider Justin Bieber, Rihanna, Albert Einstein, and Steve Jobs were all born under this sign. They also get the best line in Bend it Like Beckham, when grandma screams, “Lesbian? I thought she was a Pisces?” All of this says to me that the next two weeks would be best spent in creative solitude—with a lot of Seamless sushi.
Best Days
Feb. 19: Plan a staycation, to be executed before the next full moon
Feb. 24: Host an Oscars party, but just for the red carpet. Everyone goes home when the awards begin.
Feb. 28: With the waning crescent, your hair and skin might prove more easily damaged than normal. Show your locks some extra love with a haircut — you probably don't get one often enough!
March 6: Ash Wednesday isn’t just for Catholics. Burn something in effigy and find yourself reborn like a phoenix!
Penny Wise
I have debt and next month I am going to Rome for a week. You might think, well this is a really bad look for a financial-advice column, but 1) most millennials have debt due to student loans and the dire state of the global economy when we first emerged into the world and that doesn’t mean we should be deprived of living life to the fullest and 2) traveling abroad does not have to break the bank. Look, I'm not recommending you do it if you cannot pay your rent or have mobsters after you for a gambling debt, but if you want to go on a vacation and feel relatively stable, here's how:
Flights: I assumed everyone knew this by now, but I still meet people who don't, so: sign up for flight deal websites! The two big lists are Scotts Cheap Flights and The Flight Deal, but you can also use sites like Hipmunk to set alerts for the exact dates/destinations you want. There are also some really good points cards out there where you can rack up free flights, but frankly, I don't know much about them, MOVING ON.
Hotels: If you're really bold (I am not) you can stay in a hostel. They are cheap. You can probably google which are good ones and don't have bed bugs. Sometimes, cheap hostels have semi-private rooms where you just have to share a bathroom. In some cities, like Rome, there are just a TON of cheap hotels on Bookings.com. You can also try AirBnB, which can be great, or CouchSurfing (please don't, but if you're a cis white man, sure, work that privilege!). But if you have to stay in a sketchy place, at least take preventative measures against bed bugs.
Food: Not every meal needs to be sit down and fancy. Eat street food. Buy groceries (I LOVE grocery shopping abroad, truly. It kept me sane when I lived in Russia). Eat at McDonald's sometimes. (They have order kiosks which are good if you don't speak the language. When I went to Dublin two years ago, I was obsessed with getting milkshakes at McDonald's even though it was November).
Deals: This is where you should invest in a specific guidebook, but depending on where you're going certain sites might have discounts depending on your age/if you're a student/what day of the week it is. For instance, the entire week I'm in Rome the cultural ministry has made all state-owned museums free (lines are gonna suck but !!!) If you research in advance, you'll know which passes for transit/museums are actually a good deal and which aren't. (I really loved Dublin’s Hop-On-Hop-Off bus because it was a good way to familiarize myself with the city and also stopped basically everywhere I wanted to go.)
Bottom line: Preparation is key.
Cultural Predictions
Timeé Chalamet will wear latex (but make it fashion!) to the Academy Awards
00's nostalgia, but make it goth
Britney Spears, but make it psychiatry
People Are Talking About
How much better friends we’d be to Malia Obama than her actual entourage
Jeff Bezos’s balls (INSERT picture of the Amazon HQ here)
How good Edith Wharton is, especially her cold and dreary novel The Age of Innocence
Folklore
The Westminster Dog Show has been held continuously since 1877, making it the second longest-running sporting event (if you choose to call it that) in the United States after the Kentucky Derby. The kennel club began awarding Best in Show titles in 1907 and the process goes something like this: Select the best of each breed; then, select the best of each group (sporting, working, hound, herding, non-sporting, and toy); then and only then, select the single goodest boy overall. This labor-intensive, highly-regulated process, which typically costs each participant about $250,000 a year to prepare for and attend, would give everyone an equal shot. But as last week’s inglorious defeat of Bean showed, there is no justice in the world of competitive dog walking. The silky Sussex spaniel and 2019 fan favorite lost out to King, who was—you guessed it!—a Wire Fox Terrier. That’s the 15th time this breed has won, making it the winningest and, according to screaming fans in the stands at Madison Square Garden, absolute worst breed of all time. Is it neopets-tism, a vast conspiracy, or random chance? We may never know, but we will always demand justice for Bean.
Your Proverb:
You can leave a text on "read," but you can't force a dullard to read between the lines